The Confessions of St. Augustine of Hippo
St. Augustine of Hippo
BOOK 1 -- COMMENCING WITH THE
INVOCATION OF GOD, AUGUSTINE RELATES IN DETAIL THE BEGINNING
OF HIS LIFE, HIS INFANCY AND BOYHOOD, UP TO HIS FIFTEENTH
YEAR; AT WHICH AGE HE ACKNOWLEDGES THAT HE WAS MORE INCLINED
TO ALL YOUTHFUL PLEASURES AND VICES THAN TO THE STUDY OF
LETTERS.
BOOK 2 -- HE ADVANCES TO
PUBERTY, AND INDEED TO THE EARLY PART OF THE SIXTEENTH YEAR
OF HIS AGE, IN WHICH, HAVING ABANDONED HIS STUDIES, HE
INDULGED IN LUSTFUL PLEASURES, AND, WITH HIS COMPANIONS,
COMMITTED THEFT.
BOOK 3 -- OF THE SEVENTEENTH,
EIGHTEENTH, AND NINETEENTH YEARS OF HIS AGE, PASSED AT
CARTHAGE, WHEN, HAVING COMPLETED HIS COURSE OF STUDIES, HE
IS CAUGHT IN THE SNARES OF A LICENTIOUS PASSION, AND FALLS
INTO THE ERRORS OF THE MANICHAEAN'S.
BOOK 4 -- THEN FOLLOWS A PERIOD
OF NINE YEARS FROM THE NINETEENTH YEAR OF HIS AGE, DURING
WHICH HAVING LOST A FRIEND, HE FOLLOWED THE MANICHAEAN'S --
AND WROTE BOOKS ON THE FAIR AND FIT, AND PUBLISHED A WORK ON
THE LIBERAL ARTS, AND THE CATEGORIES OF ARISTOTLE.
BOOK 5 -- HE DESCRIBES THE
TWENTY-NINTH YEAR OF HIS AGE, IN WHICH, HAVING DISCOVERED
THE FALLACIES OF THE MANICHAEAN'S, HE PROFESSED RHETORIC AT
ROME AND MILAN. HAVING HEARD AMBROSE, HE BEGINS TO COME TO
HIMSELF.
BOOK 6 -- ATTAINING HIS
THIRTIETH YEAR, HE, UNDER THE ADMONITION OF THE DISCOURSES
OF AMBROSE, DISCOVERED MORE AND MORE THE TRUTH OF THE
CATHOLIC DOCTRINE, AND DELIBERATES AS TO THE BETTER
REGULATION OF HIS LIFE.
BOOK 7 -- HE RECALLS THE
BEGINNING OF HIS YOUTH, i.e. THE THIRTY-FIRST YEAR OF HIS
AGE, IN WHICH VERY GRAVE ERRORS AS TO THE NATURE OF GOD AND
THE ORIGIN OF EVIL BEING DISTINGUISHED, AND THE SACRED BOOKS
MORE ACCURATELY KNOWN, HE AT LENGTH ARRIVES AT A CLEAR
KNOWLEDGE OF GOD, NOT YET RIGHTLY APPREHENDING JESUS CHRIST.
BOOK 8 -- HE FINALLY
DESCRIBES THE THIRTY-SECOND YEAR OF HIS AGE, THE MOST
MEMORABLE OF HIS WHOLE LIFE, IN WHICH, BEING INSTRUCTED BY
SIMPLICIANUS CONCERNING THE CONVERSION OF OTHERS, AND THE
MANNER OF ACTING, HE IS, AFTER A SEVERE STRUGGLE, RENEWED IN
HIS WHOLE MIND, AND IS CONVERTED UNTO GOD.
BOOK 9 -- HE SPEAKS OF HIS
DESIGN OF FORSAKING THE PROFESSION OF RHETORIC; OF THE DEATH
OF HIS FRIENDS, NEBRIDIUS AND VERECUNDUS; OF HAVING RECEIVED
BAPTISM IN THE THIRTY-THIRD YEAR OF HIS AGE; AND OF THE
VIRTUES AND DEATH OF HIS MOTHER, MONICA.
BOOK 10 -- HAVING MANIFESTED
WHAT HE WAS AND WHAT HE IS, HE SHOWS THE GREAT FRUIT OF HIS
CONFESSION; AND BEING ABOUT TO EXAMINE BY WHAT METHOD GOD
AND THE HAPPY LIFE MAY BE FOUND, HE ENLARGES ON THE NATURE
AND POWER OF MEMORY. THEN HE EXAMINES HIS OWN ACTS, THOUGHTS
AND AFFECTIONS, VIEWED UNDER THE THREEFOLD DIVISION OF
TEMPTATION; AND COMMEMORATES THE LORD, THE ONE MEDIATOR OF
GOD AND MEN.
BOOK 11 -- THE DESIGN OF HIS
CONFESSIONS BEING DECLARED, HE SEEKS FROM GOD THE KNOWLEDGE
OF THE HOLY SCRIPTURES, AND BEGINS TO EXPOUND THE WORDS OF
GENESIS 1:1, CONCERNING THE CREATION OF THE WORLD. THE
QUESTIONS OF RASH DISPUTERS BEING REFUTED, "WHAT DID GOD
BEFORE HE CREATED THE WORLD?" THAT HE MIGHT THE BETTER
OVERCOME HIS OPPONENTS, HE ADDS A COPIOUS DISQUISITION
CONCERNING TIME.
BOOK 12 -- HE CONTINUES HIS
EXPLANATION OF THE FIRST CHAPTER OF GENESIS ACCORDING TO THE
SEPTUAGINT, AND BY ITS ASSISTANCE HE ARGUES, ESPECIALLY,
CONCERNING THE DOUBLE HEAVEN, AND THE FORMLESS MATTER OUT OF
WHICH THE WHOLE WORLD MAY HAVE BEEN CREATED; AFTERWARDS OF
THE INTERPRETATIONS OF OTHERS NOT DISALLOWED, AND SETS FORTH
AT GREAT LENGTH THE SENSE OF THE HOLY SCRIPTURE.
BOOK 13 -- OF THE GOODNESS OF
GOD EXPLAINED IN THE CREATION OF THINGS, AND OF THE TRINITY
AS FOUND IN THE FIRST WORDS OF GENESIS. THE STORY CONCERNING
THE ORIGIN OF THE WORLD (GENESIS 1) IS ALLEGORICALLY
EXPLAINED, AND HE APPLIES IT TO THOSE THINGS WHICH GOD WORKS
FOR SANCTIFIED AND BLESSED MAN. FINALLY, HE MAKES AN END OF
THIS WORK, HAVING IMPLORED ETERNAL REST FROM GOD. |
The Confessions
(Book I)
COMMENCING WITH THE INVOCATION OF GOD, AUGUSTINE RELATES IN DETAIL
THE BEGINNING OF HIS LIFE, HIS INFANCY AND BOYHOOD, UP TO HIS
FIFTEENTH YEAR; AT WHICH AGE HE ACKNOWLEDGES THAT HE WAS MORE
INCLINED TO ALL YOUTHFUL PLEASURES AND VICES THAN TO THE STUDY OF
LETTERS.
CHAP. I.--HE PROCLAIMS THE GREATNESS OF GOD, WHOM HE DESIRES TO SEEK
AND INVOKE, BEING AWAKENED BY HIM.
I. GREAT art Thou, O Lord, and greatly to be praised; great is Thy
power, and of Thy wisdom there is no end. And man, being a part of
Thy creation, desires to praise Thee, man, who bears about with him
his mortality, the witness of his sin, even the witness that Thou "resistest
the proud, " -- yet man, this part of Thy creation, desires to
praise Thee. Thou movest us to delight in praising Thee; for Thou
hast formed us for Thyself, and our hearts are restless till they
find rest in Thee. Lord, teach me to know and understand which of
these should be first, to call on Thee, or to praise Thee; and
likewise to know Thee, or to call upon Thee. But who is there that
calls upon Thee without knowing Thee? For he that knows Thee not may
call upon Thee as other than Thou art. Or perhaps we call on Thee
that we may know Thee. "But how shall they call on Him in whom they
have not believed? or how shall they believe without a preacher?"
And those who seek the Lord shall praise Him. For those who seek
shall find Him, and those who find Him shall praise Him. Let me seek
Thee, Lord, in calling on Thee, and call on Thee in believing in
Thee; for Thou hast been preached unto us. O Lord, my faith calls on
Thee, --that faith which Thou hast imparted to me, which Thou hast
breathed into me through the incarnation of Thy Son, through the
ministry of Thy preacher.'
CHAP. II.--THAT THE GOD WHOM WE INVOKE IS IN US, AND WE IN HIM.
2. And how shall I call upon my God--my God and my Lord? For when I
call on Him I ask Him to come into me. And what place is there in me
into which my God can come--into which God can come, even He who
made heaven and earth? Is there anything in me, O Lord my God, that
can contain Thee? Do indeed the very heaven and the earth, which
Thou hast made, and in which Thou hast made me, contain Thee? Or, as
nothing could exist without Thee, doth whatever exists contain Thee?
Why, then, do I ask Thee to come into me, since I indeed exist, and
could not exist if Thou wert not in me? Because I am not yet in
hell, though Thou art even there; for "if I go down into hell Thou
art there.'' t I could not therefore exist, could not exist at all,
O my God, unless Thou wert in me. Or should I not rather say, that I
could not exist unless I were in Thee from whom are all things, by
whom are all things, in whom are all things?' Even so, Lord; even
so. Where do I call Thee to, since Thou art in me, or whence canst
Thou come into me? For where outside heaven and earth can I go that
from thence my God may come into me who has said, I fill heaven and
earth"?
CHAP. III.--EVERYWHERE GOD WHOLLY FILLETH ALL THINGS, BUT NEITHER
HEAVEN NOR EARTH ' CONTAINETH HIM.
3. Since, then, Thou fillest heaven and earth, do they contain Thee?
Or, as they contain Thee not, dost Thou fill them, and yet there
remains something over? And where dost Thou pour forth that which
remaineth of Thee when the heaven and earth are filled? Or, indeed,
is there no need that Thou who containest all things shouldest be
contained of any, since those things which Thou fillest Thou fillest
by containing them? For the vessels which Thou fillest do not
sustain Thee, since should they even be broken Thou wilt not be
poured forth. And when Thou art poured forth on us, Thou art not
cast down, but we are uplifted; nor art Thou dissipated, but we are
drawn together. But, as Thou fillest all things, dost Thou fill them
with Thy whole self, or, as even all things cannot altogether
contain Thee, do they contain a part, and do all at once contain the
same part? Or has each its own proper part--the greater more, the
smaller less? Is, then, one part of Thee greater, another less? Or
is it that Thou art wholly everywhere whilst nothing altogether
contains Thee?
CHAP. IV.--THE MAJESTY OF GOD IS SUPREME, AND HIS VIRTUES
INEXPLICABLE.
4. What, then, art Thou, O my God--what, I ask, but the Lord God?
For who is Lord but the Lord? or who is God save our God Most high,
most excellent, most potent, most omnipotent; most piteous and most
just; most hidden and most near; most beauteous and most strong,
stable, yet contained of none; unchangeable, yet changing all
things; never new, never old; making all things new, yet bringing
old age upon the proud and they know it not; always working, yet
ever at rest; gathering, yet needing nothing; sustaining, pervading,
and protecting; creating, nourishing, and developing; seeking, and
yet possessing all things. Thou lovest, and burnest not; art
jealous, yet free from care; repentest, and hast no sorrow; art
angry, yet serene; changest Thy ways, leaving unchanged Thy plans;
recoverest what Thou findest, having yet never lost; art never in
want, whilst Thou rejoicest in gain; never covetous, though
requiring usury? That Thou mayest owe, more than enough is given to
Thee yet who hath anything that is not Thine? Thou payest debts
while owing nothing; and when Thou forgivest debts, losest nothing.
Yet, O my God, my life, my holy joy, what is this that I have said?
And what saith any man when He speaks of Thee? Yet woe to them that
keep silence, seeing that even they who say most are as the dumb?
CHAP. V.--HE SEEKS REST IN GOD, AND PARDON OF HIS SINS.
5. Oh! how shall I find rest in Thee? Who will send Thee into my
heart to inebriate it, s that I may forget my woes, and embrace Thee
my only good? What art Thou to me? Have compassion on me, that I may
speak. What am I to Thee that Thou demandest my love, and unless I
give it Thee art angry, and threatenest me with great sorrows? Is
it, then, a light sorrow not to love Thee? Alas! alas! tell me of
Thy compassion, O Lord my God, what Thou art to me. "Say unto my
soul, I am thy salvation." So speak that I may hear. Behold,
Lord,
the ears of my heart are before Thee; open Thou them, and "say unto
my soul, I am thy salvation." When I hear, may I run and lay hold on
Thee. Hide not Thy face from me. Let me die, lest I die, if only I
may see Thy face.
6. Cramped is the dwelling of my soul; do Thou expand it, that Thou
mayest enter in. It is in ruins, restore Thou it. There is that
about it which must offend Thine eyes; I confess and know it, but
who will cleanse it? or to whom shall I cry but to Thee? Cleanse me
from my secret sins, x O Lord, and keep Thy servant from those of
other men. I believe, and therefore do I speak; Lord, Thou knowest.'
Have I not confessed my transgressions unto Thee, O my God; and Thou
hast put away the iniquity of my heart? a I do not contend in
judgment with Thee, who art the Truth; and I would not deceive
myself, lest my iniquity lie against itself I do not, therefore,
contend in judgment with Thee, for "if Thou, Lord, shouldest mark
iniquities, O Lord, who shall stand?"
CHAP. VI.--HE DESCRIBES HIS INFANCY, AND LAUDS THE PROTECTION AND
ETERNAL PROVIDENCE OF GOD.
7. Still suffer me to speak before Thy mercy--me, "dust and ashes."
Suffer me to speak, for, behold, it is Thy mercy I address, and not
derisive man. Yet perhaps even Thou deridest me; but when Thou art
turned to me Thou wilt have compassion on me. For what do I wish to
say, O Lord my God, but that I know not whence I came hither into
this--shall I call it dying life or living death? Yet, as I have
heard from my parents, from whose substance Thou didst form me,
--for I myself cannot remember it, --Thy merciful comforts sustained
me. Thus it was that the comforts of a woman's milk entertained me;
for neither my mother nor my nurses filled their own breasts, but
Thou by them didst give me the nourishment of infancy according to
Thy ordinance and that bounty of Thine which underlieth all things.
For Thou didst cause me not to want more than Thou gavest, and those
who nourished me willingly to give me what Thou gavest them. For
they, by an instinctive affection, were anxious to give me what Thou
hadst abundantly supplied. It was, in truth, good for them that my
good should come from them, though, indeed, it was not from them,
but by them; for from Thee, O God, are all good things, and from my
God is all my safety? This is what I have since discovered, as Thou
hast declared Thyself to me by the blessings both within me and
without me which Thou hast bestowed upon me. For at that time I knew
how to suck, to be satisfied when comfortable, and to cry when in
pain--nothing beyond.
8. Afterwards I began to laugh, --at first in sleep, then when
waking. For this I have heard mentioned of myself, and I believe it
(though I cannot remember it), for we see the same in other infants.
And now little by little I realized where I was, and wished to tell
my wishes to those who might satisfy them, but I could not; for my
wants were within me, while they were without, and could not by any
faculty of theirs enter into my soul. So I cast about limbs and
voice, making the few and feeble signs I could, like, though indeed
not much like, unto what I wished; and when I was not
satisfied--either not being understood, or because it would have
been injurious to me--I grew indignant that my eiders were not
subject unto me, and that those on whom I had no claim did not wait
on me, and avenged myself on them by tears. That infants are such I
have been able to learn by watching them; and they, though
unknowing, have better shown me that I was such an one than my
nurses who knew it.
9. And, behold, my infancy died long ago, and I live. But Thou, O
Lord, who ever livest, and in whom nothing dies (since before the
world was, and indeed before all that can be called "before, " Thou
existest, and art the God and Lord of all Thy creatures; and with
Thee fixedly abide the causes of all unstable things, the unchanging
sources of all things changeable, and the eternal reasons of all
things unreasoning and temporal), tell me, Thy suppliant, O God;
tell, O merciful One, Thy miserable servant -- tell me whether my
infancy succeeded another age of mine which had at that time
perished. Was it that which I passed in my mother's womb? For of
that something has been made known to me, and I have myself seen
women with child. And what, O God, my joy, preceded that life? Was
I, indeed, anywhere, or anybody? For no one can tell me these
things, neither father nor mother, nor the experience of others, nor
my own memory. Dost Thou laugh at me for asking such things, and
command me to praise and confess Thee for what I know?
10. I give thanks to Thee, Lord of heaven and earth, giving praise
to Thee for that my first being and infancy, of which I have no
memory; for Thou hast granted to man that from others he should come
to conclusions as to himself, and that he should believe many things
concerning himself on the authority of feeble women. Even then I had
life and being; and as my infancy closed I was already seeking for
signs by which my feelings might be made known to others. Whence
could such a creature come but from Thee, O Lord? Or shall any man
be skilful enough to fashion himself. Or is there any other vein by
which being and life runs into us save this, that "Thou, O Lord,
hast made us, " with whom being and life are one, because Thou
Thyself art being and life in the highest? Thou art the highest,
"Thou changest not," neither in Thee doth this present day come to
an end, though it doth] end in Thee, since in Thee all such things
are; for they would have no way of passing away unless Thou
sustainedst them. And since "Thy years shall have no end, " Thy
years are an ever present day. And how many of ours and our fathers'
days have passed through this Thy day, and received from it their
measure and fashion of being, and others yet to come shall so
receive and pass away I "But Thou art the same;" and all the things
of to-morrow and the days yet to come, and all of yesterday and the
days that are past, Thou wilt do to-day, Thou hast done to-day. What
is it to me if any understand not? Let him still rejoice and say,
"What is this?" Let him rejoice even so, and rather love to discover
in failing to discover, than in discovering not to discover Thee.
CHAP. VII.--HE SHOWS BY EXAMPLE THAT EVEN INFANCY IS PRONE TO SIN.
11. Hearken, O God! Alas for the sins of men! Man saith this, and
Thou dust compassionate him; for Thou didst create him, but didst not
create the sin that is in him. Who bringeth to my remembrance the
sin of my infancy? For before Thee none is free from sin, not even
the infant which has lived but a day upon the earth. Who bringeth
this to my remembrance? Doth not each little one, in whom I behold
that which I do not remember of myself? In what, then, did I sin? Is
it that I cried for the breast? If I should now so cry, --not indeed
for the breast, but for the food suitable to my years, --I should be
most justly laughed at and rebuked. What I then did de served
rebuke; but as I could not understand those who rebuked me, neither
custom nor reason suffered me to be rebuked. For as we grow we root
out and cast from us such habits. I, have not seen any one who is
wise, when "purging" anything cast away the good. Or was it good,
even for a time, to strive to get by crying that which, if given,
would be hurtful--to be bitterly indignant that those who were free
and its elders, and those to whom it owed its being, besides many
others wiser than it, who would not give way to the nod of its good
pleasure, were not subject unto it--to endeavour to harm, by
struggling as much as it could, because those commands were not
obeyed which only could have been obeyed to its hurt? Then, in the
weakness of the infant's limbs, and not in its will, lies its
innocency. I myself have seen and known an infant to be jealous
though it could not speak. It became pale, and cast bitter looks on
its foster-brother. Who is ignorant of this? Mothers and nurses tell
us that they appease these things by I know not what remedies; and
may this be taken for innocence, that when the fountain of milk is
flowing fresh and abundant, one who has need should not be allowed
to share it, though needing that nourishment to sustain life? Yet we
look leniently on these things, not because they are not faults, nor
because the faults are small, but because they will vanish as age
increases. For although you may allow these things now, you could
not bear them with equanimity if found in an older person.
12. Thou, therefore, O Lord my God, who gavest life to the infant,
and a frame which, as we see, Thou hast endowed with senses,
compacted with limbs, beautified with form, and, for its general
good and safety, hast introduced all vital energies---Thou
commandest me to [praise Thee for these things, "to give thanks
[unto the Lord, and to sing praise unto Thy name, O Most High;" for
Thou art a God omnipotent and good, though Thou hadst done nought
but these things, which none other can do but Thou, who alone madest
all things, O Thou most fair, who madest all things fair, and
orderest all according to Thy law. This period, then, of my life, O
Lord, of which I have no remembrance, which I believe on the word of
others, and which I guess from other infants, it chagrins me--true
though the guess be--to reckon in this life of mine which I lead in
this world; inasmuch as, in the darkness of my forgetfulness, it is
like to that which I passed in my mother's womb. But if "I was
shapen in iniquity, and in sin did my mother conceive me, " x where,
I pray thee, O my God, where, Lord, or when was I, Thy servant,
innocent? But behold, I pass by that time, for what have I to do
with that, the memories of which I cannot recall?
CHAP. VIII.--THAT WHEN A BOY HE LEARNED TO SPEAK, NOT BY ANY SET
METHOD, BUT FROM THE ACTS AND WORDS OF HIS PARENTS.
13. Did I not, then, growing out of the state of infancy, come to
boyhood, or rather did it not come to me, and succeed to infancy?
Nor did my infancy depart (for whither went it?); and yet it did no
longer abide, for I was no longer an infant that could not speak,
but a chattering boy. I remember this, and I afterwards observed how
I first learned to speak, for my elders did not teach me words in
any set method, as they did letters afterwards; but myself, when I
was unable to say all I wished and to whomsoever I desired, by means
of the whimperings and broken utterances and various motions of my
limbs, which I used to enforce my wishes, repeated the sounds in my
memory by the mind, O my God, which Thou gavest me. When they called
anything by name, and moved the body towards it while they spoke, I
saw and gathered that the thing they wished to point out was called
by the name they then uttered; and that they did mean this was made
plain by the motion of the body, even by the natural language Of all
nations expressed by the countenance, glance of the eye, movement of
other members, and by the sound of the voice indicating the
affections of the mind, as it seeks, possesses, rejects, or avoids.
So it was that by frequently hearing words, in duly placed
sentences, I gradually gathered what things they were the signs of;
and having formed my mouth to the utterance of these signs, I
thereby expressed my will? Thus I exchanged with those about me the
signs by which we express our wishes, and advanced deeper into the
stormy fellowship of human life, depending the while on the
authority of parents, and the beck of elders.
CHAP. IX.---CONCERNING THE HATRED OF LEARNING, THE LOVE OF PLAY, AND
THE FEAR OF BEING WHIPPED NOTICEABLE IN BOYS: AND OF THE FOLLY OF
OUR ELDERS AND MASTERS.
14. O my God! what miseries and mockeries did I then experience,
when obedience to my teachers was set before me as proper to my
boyhood, that I might flourish in this world, and distinguish myself
in the science of speech, which should get me honour amongst men,
and deceitful riches! After that I was put to school to get
learning, of which I (worthless as I was) knew not what use there
was; and yet, if slow to learn, I was flogged! For this was deemed
praiseworthy by our forefathers; and many before us, passing the
same course, had appointed beforehand for us these troublesome ways
by which we were compelled to pass, multiplying labour and sorrow
upon the sons of Adam. But we found, O Lord, men praying to Thee,
and we learned from them to conceive of Thee, according to our
ability, to be some Great One, who was able (though not visible to
our senses) to hear and help us. For as a boy I began to pray to
Thee, my "help" and my "refuge," and in invoking Thee broke the
bands of my tongue, and entreated Thee though little, with I no
little earnestness, that I might not be beaten at school. And when
Thou heardedst me not, giving me not over to folly thereby, my
elders, yea, and my own parents too, who wished me no ill, laughed
at my stripes, my then great and grievous ill.
15. Is there any one, Lord, with so high a spirit, cleaving to Thee
with so strong an affection for even a kind of obtuseness may do
that much--but is there, I say, any one who, by cleaving devoutly to
Thee, is endowed with so great a courage that he can esteem lightly
those racks and hooks, and varied tortures of the same sort, against
which, throughout the whole world, men supplicate Thee with great
fear, deriding those who most bitterly fear them, just as our
parents derided the torments with which our masters punished-us when
we were boys? For we were no less afraid of our pains, nor did we
pray less to Thee to avoid them; and yet we sinned, in writing, or
reading, or reflecting upon our lessons less than was required of
us. For we wanted not, O Lord, memory or capacity, of which, by Thy
will, we possessed enough for our age, --but we delighted only in
play; and we were punished for this by those who were doing the same
things themselves. But the idleness of our elders they call
business, whilst boys who do the like are punished by those same
elders, and yet neither boys nor men find any pity. For will any one
of good sense approve of my being whipped because, as a boy, I
played ball, and so was hindered from learning quickly those lessons
by means of which, as a man, I should play more unbecomingly? And
did he by whom I was beaten do other than this, who, when he was
overcome in any little controversy with a co-tutor, was more
tormented by anger and envy than I when beaten by a playfellow in a
match at ball?
CHAP. X.--THROUGH A LOVE OF BALL-PLAYING AND SHOWS, HE NEGLECTS HIS
STUDIES AND THE INJUNCTIONS OF HIS PARENTS.
16. And yet I erred, O Lord God, the Creator and Disposer of all
things in Nature, --but of sin the Disposer only, --I erred, O Lord
my God, in doing contrary to the wishes of my parents and of those
masters; for this learning which they (no matter for what motive)
wished me to acquire, I might have put to good account afterwards.
For I disobeyed them not because I had chosen a better way, but from
a fondness for play, loving the honour of victory in the matches,
and to have my ears tickled with lying fables, in order that they
might itch the more furiously--the same curiosity beaming more and
more in my eyes for the shows and sports of my elders. Yet those who
give these entertainments are held in such high repute, that almost
all desire the same for their children, whom they are still willing
should be beaten, if so be these same games keep them from the
studies by which they desire them to arrive at being the givers of
them. Look down upon these things, O Lord, I with compassion, and
deliver us who now call! upon Thee; deliver those also who do not
call upon Thee, that they may call upon Thee, and that Thou mayest
deliver them.
CHAP. XI.---SEIZED BY DISEASE, HIS MOTHER BEING TROUBLED, HE
EARNESTLY DEMANDS BAPTISM, WHICH ON RECOVERY IS POSTPONED --HIS
FATHER NOT AS YET BELIEVING IN CHRIST.
17. Even as a boy I had heard of eternal life promised to us through
the humility of the Lord our God condescending to our pride, and I
was signed with the sign of the cross, and was seasoned with His
salt x even from the womb of my mother, who greatly trusted in Thee.
Thou sawest, O Lord, how at one time, while yet a boy, being
suddenly seized with pains in the stomach, and being at the point of
death--Thou sawest, O my God, for even then Thou wast my keeper,
with what emotion of mind and with what faith I solicited from the
piety of my mother, and of Thy Church, the mother of us all, the
baptism of Thy Christ, my Lord and my God. On which, the mother of
my flesh being much troubled, --since she, with a heart pure in Thy
faith, travailed in birth more lovingly for my eternal salvation,
--would, had I not quickly recovered, have without delay provided
for my initiation and washing by Thy life-giving sacraments,
confessing Thee, O Lord Jesus, for the remission of sins. So my
cleansing was deferred, as if I must needs, should I live, be
further polluted; because, indeed, the guilt contracted by sin
would, after baptism, be greater and more perilous. Thus I at that
time believed with my mother and the whole house, except my father;
yet he did not overcome the influence of my mother's piety in me so
as to prevent my believing in Christ, as he had not yet believed in
Him. For she was desirous that Thou, O my God, shouldst be my Father
rather than he; and in this Thou didst aid her to overcome her
husband, to whom, though the better of the two, she yielded
obedience, because in this she yielded obedience to Thee, who dost
so command.
18. I beseech Thee, my God, I would gladly know, if it be Thy will,
to what end my baptism was then deferred? Was it for my good that
the reins were slackened, as it were, upon 'me for me to sin? Or
were they not slackened? If not, whence comes it that it is still
dinned into our ears on all sides, "Let him alone, let him act as he
likes, for he is not yet baptized But as regards bodily health, no
one exclaims, "Let him be more seriously wounded, for he is not yet
cured!" How much better, then, had it been for me to have been cured
at once; and then, by my own and my friends' diligence, my soul's
restored health had been kept safe in Thy keeping, who gavest it!
Better, in truth. But how numerous and great waves of temptation I
appeared to hang over me after my childhood :These were foreseen by
my mother; and she preferred that the unformed clay should be
exposed to them rather than the image itself.
CHAP. XII--BEING COMPELLED, HE GAVE HIS ATTENTION TO LEARNING; BUT
FULLY ACKNOWLEDGES THAT THIS WAS THE WORK OF GOD.
19. But in this my childhood (which was far less dreaded for me than
youth) I had no love of learning, and hated to be forced to it, yet
I was I forced to it notwithstanding; and this was well done towards
me, but I did not well, if or I would not have learned had I not
been compelled. For no man doth well against his will, even if that
which he doth be well. Neither did they who forced me do well, but
the good that was done to me came from Thee, my God. For they
considered not in what way I should employ what they forced me to
learn, unless to satisfy the inordinate desires of a rich beggary
and a shameful glory. But Thou, by whom the very hairs of our heads
are numbered, t didst use for my good the error of all who pressed
me to learn; and my own error in willing not to learn, didst Thou
make use of for my punishment--of which I, being so small a boy and
so great a sinner, was not unworthy. Thus by the instrumentality of
those who did not well didst Thou well for me; and by my own sin
didst Thou justly punish me. For it is even as Thou hast appointed,
that every inordinate affection should bring its own punishment
CHAP. XIII--HE DELIGHTED IN LATIN STUDIES AND THE EMPTY FABLES OF
THE POETS, BUT HATED THE ELEMENTS OF LITERATURE AND THE GREEK
LANGUAGE.
20. But what was the cause of my dislike of Greek literature, which
I studied from my boyhood, I cannot even now understand. For the
Latin I loved exceedingly--not what our first masters, but what the
grammarians teach; for those primary lessons of reading, writing,
and ciphering, I considered no less of a burden and a punishment
than Greek. Yet whence was this unless from the sin and vanity of
this life? for I was "but flesh, a wind that passeth away and cometh
not again." ' For those primary lessons were better, assuredly,
because more certain; seeing that by their agency I acquired, and
still retain, the power of reading what I find written, and writing
myself what I will; whilst in the others I was compelled to learn
about the wanderings of a certain AEneas, oblivious of my own, and
to weep for Biab dead, because she slew herself for love; while at
the same time I brooked with dry eyes my wretched self dying far
from Thee, in the midst of those things, O God, my life.
21. For what can be more wretched than the wretch who pities not
himself shedding tears over the death of Dido for love of AEneas,
but shedding no tears over his own death' in not loving Thee, O God,
light of my heart, and bread of the inner mouth of my soul, and the
power that weddest my mind with my innermost thoughts? I did not
love Thee, and committed fornication against Thee; and those around
me thus sinning cried, "Well done Well done!" For the friendship of
this world ] is fornication against Thee; and "Well done! Well
done!" is cried until one feels ashamed not to be such a man. And
for this I shed no tears, though I wept for Dido, who sought death
at the sword's point, myself the while seeking the lowest of Thy
creatures--having forsaken Thee---earth tending to the earth; and if
forbidden to read these things, how grieved would I feel that I was
not permitted to read what grieved me. This sort of madness is
considered a more honourable and more fruitful learning than that by
which I learned to read and write.
22. But now, O my God, cry unto my soul; and let Thy Truth say unto
me, "It is not so; it is not so; better much was that first
teaching." For behold, I would rather forget the wanderings of
AEneas, and all such things, than how to write and read. But it is
true that over the entrance of the grammar school there hangs a vail;
but this is not so much a sign of the majesty of the mystery, as of
a covering for error. Let not them exclaim against me of whom I am
no longer in fear, whilst I confess to Thee, my God, that which my
soul desires, and acquiesce in reprehending my evil ways, that I may
love Thy good ways. Neither let those cry out against me who buy or
sell grammar-learning. For if I ask them whether it be true, as the
poet says, that. AEneas once came to Carthage, the unlearned will
reply that they do not know, the learned will deny it to be true.
But if I ask with what letters the name. AEneas is written, all who
have learnt this will answer truly, in accordance with the
conventional understanding men have arrived at as to these signs.
Again, if I should ask which, if forgotten, would cause the greatest
inconvenience in our life, reading and writing, or these poetical
fictions, who does not see what every one would answer who had not
entirely forgotten himself? I erred, then, when as a boy I preferred
those vain studies to those more profitable ones, or rather loved
the one and hated the other. "One and one are two, two and two are
four," this was then in truth a hateful song to me; while the wooden
horse full of armed men, and the burning of Troy, and the "spectral
image" of Creusa were a most pleasant spectacle of vanity.
CHAP. XIV.--WHY HE DESPISED GREEK LITERATURE, AND EASILY LEARNED
LATIN.
23. But why, then, did I dislike Greek learning which was full of
like tales? x For Homer also was skilled in inventing similar
stories, and is most sweetly vain, yet was he disagreeable to me as
a boy. I believe Virgil, indeed, would be the same to Grecian
children, if compelled to learn him, as I was Homer. The difficulty,
in truth, the difficulty of learning a foreign language mingled as
it were with gall all the sweetness of those fabulous Grecian
stories. For not a single word of it did I understand, and to make
me do so, they vehemently urged me with cruel threatenings and
punishments. There was a time also when (as an infant) I knew no
Latin; but this I acquired without any fear or tormenting, by merely
taking notice, amid the blandishments of my nurses, the jests of
those who smiled on me, and the sportiveness of those who toyed with
me. I learnt all this, indeed, without being urged by any pressure
of punishment, for my own heart urged me to bring forth its own
conceptions, which I could not do unless by learning words, not of
those who taught me, but of those who talked to me; into whose ears,
also, I brought forth whatever I discerned. From this it is
sufficiently clear that a free curiosity hath more influence in our
learning these things than a necessity full of fear. But this last
restrains the overflowings of that freedom, through Thy laws, O God,
--Thy laws, from the ferule of the schoolmaster to the trials of the
martyr, being. effective to mingle for us a salutary bitter, calling
us back to Thyself from the pernicious delights which allure us from
Thee.
CHAP. XV. -- HE ENTREATS GOD, THAT WHATEVER USEFUL THINGS HE LEARNED
AS A BOY MAY BE DEDICATED TO HIM.
24. Hear my prayer, O Lord; let not my soul faint under Thy
discipline, nor let me faint in confessing unto Thee Thy mercies,
whereby Thou hast saved me from all my most mischievous ways, that
Thou mightest become sweet to me beyond all the seductions which I
used to follow; and that I may love Thee entirely, and grasp Thy
hand with my whole heart, and that Thou mayest deliver me from every
temptation, even unto the end. For lo, O Lord, my King and my God,
for Thy service be whatever useful thing I learnt as a boy--for Thy
service what I speak, and write, and count. For when I learned vain
things, Thou didst grant me Thy discipline; and my sin in taking
delight in those vanities, Thou hast forgiven me. I learned, indeed,
in them many useful words; but these may be learned in things not
vain, and that is the safe way for youths to walk in.
CHAP. XVI--HE DISAPPROVES OF THE MODE OF EDUCATING YOUTH, AND HE
POINTS OUT WHY WICKEDNESS IS ATTRIBUTED TO THE GODS BY THE POETS.
25. But woe unto thee, thou stream of human custom! Who shall stay
thy course? How long shall it be before thou art dried up? How long
wilt thou carry down the sons of Eve into that huge and formidable
ocean, which even they who are embarked on the cross (lignum) can
scarce pass over? Do I not read in thee of Jove the thunderer and
adulterer? And the two verily he could not be; but it was that,
while the fictitious thunder served as a cloak, he might have
warrant to imitate real adultery. Yet which of our gowned masters
can lend a temperate ear to a man of his school who cries out and
says: "These were Homer's fictions; he transfers things human to the
gods. I could have wished him to transfer divine things to us." But
it would have been more true had he said: "These are, indeed, his
fictions, but he attributed divine attributes to sinful men, that
crimes might not be accounted crimes, and that whosoever committed
any might appear to imitate the celestial gods and not abandoned
men."
26. And yet, thou stream of hell, into thee are cast the sons of
men, with rewards for learning these things; and much is made of it
when this is going on in the forum in the sight of laws which grant
a salary over and above the rewards. And thou beatest against thy
rocks and roarest, saying, "Hence words are learnt hence eloquence
is to be attained, most necessary to persuade people to your way of
thinking, and to unfold your opinions." So, in truth, we should
never have understood these words, "golden shower, " "bosom,"
"intrigue," "highest heavens," and other words written in the same
place, unless Terence had introduced a good-for-nothing youth upon
the stage, setting up Jove as his example of lewdness: "Viewing a
picture, where the tale was drawn, Of Jove's descending in a golden
shower To Danae's bosom . . . with a woman to intrigue."
And see how he excites himself to lust, as if by celestial
authority, when he says:
"Great Jove, Who shakes the highest heavens with his thunder, And I,
poor mortal man not do the same! I did it, and with a I my heart I
did it." Not one whir more easily are the words learnt for this
vileness, but by their means is the vileness perpetrated with more
confidence. I do not blame the words, they being, as it were, choice
and precious vessels, but the wine of error which was drunk in them
to us by inebriated teachers; and unless we drank, we were! beaten,
without liberty of appeal to any sober judge. And yet, O my God,
--in whose presence I can now with security recall this, --did I,
unhappy one, learn these things willingly, and with delight, and for
this was I called a boy of good promise?
CHAP. XVII.--HE CONTINUES ON THE UNHAPPY METHOD OF TRAINING YOUTH IN
LITERARY SUBJECTS.
27. Bear with me, my God, while I speak a little of those talents
Thou hast bestowed upon me, and on what follies I wasted them. For a
lesson sufficiently disquieting to my soul was given me, in hope of
praise, and fear of shame or stripes, to speak the words of Juno, as
she raged and sorrowed that she could not "Latium bar From all
approaches of the Dardan king, "l which I had heard Juno never
uttered. Yet were we compelled to stray in the footsteps of these
poetic fictions, and to turn that into prose which the poet had said
in verse. And his speaking was most applauded in whom, according to
the reputation of the persons delineated, the passions of anger and
sorrow were most strikingly reproduced, and clothed in the most
suitable language. But what is it to me, O my true Life, my God,
that my declaiming was applauded above that of many who were my
con-temporaries and fellow-students? Behold, is not all this smoke
and wind? Was there nothing else, too, on which I could exercise my
wit and tongue? Thy praise, Lord, Thy praises might have supported
the tendrils of my heart by Thy Scriptures; so had it not been
dragged away by these empty trifles, a shameful prey of the fowls of
the air.
For there is more than one way in which men sacrifice to the fallen
angels.
CHAP. XVIII.--MEN DESIRE TO OBSERVE THE RULES OF LEARNING, BUT
NEGLECT THE ETERNAL RULES OF EVERLASTING SAFETY.
28. But what matter of surprise is it that I was thus carried
towards vanity, and went forth from Thee, O my God, when men were
proposed to me to imitate, who, should they in relating any acts of
theirs---not in themselves evil --be guilty of a barbarism or
solecism, when censured for it became confounded; but when they made
a full and ornate oration, in well-chosen words, concerning their
own licentiousness, and were applauded for it, they boasted? Thou
seest this, O Lord, and keepest silence, "long-suffering, and
plenteous in mercy and truth, " s as Thou art. Wilt Thou keep
silence for ever? And even now Thou drawest out of I this vast deep
the soul that seeketh Thee and I thirsteth after Thy delights, whose
"heart said unto Thee, " I have sought Thy face, "Thy face, Lord,
will I seek." For I was far from Thy face, through my darkened
affections. For it is not by our feet, nor by change of place, that
we either turn from Thee or return to Thee. Or, indeed, did that
younger son look out for horses, or chariots, or ships, or fly away
with visible wings, or journey by the motion of his limbs, that he
might, in a tar country, prodigally waste all that Thou gavest him
when he set out? A kind Father when Thou gavest, and kinder still
when he returned destitute!s So, then, in wanton, that is to say, in
darkened affections, lies distance from Thy face.
29. Behold, O Lord God, and behold patiently, as Thou art wont to
do, how diligently the sons of men observe the conventional rules of
letters and syllables, received from those who spoke prior to them,
and yet neglect the eternal rules of everlasting salvation received
from Thee, insomuch that he who practices or teaches the hereditary
rules of pronunciation, if, contrary to grammatical usage, he should
say, without aspirating the first letter, a human being, will offend
men more than if, in opposition to Thy commandments, he, a human
being, were to hate a human being. As if, indeed, any man should
feel that an enemy could be more destructive to him than that hatred
with which he is excited against him, or that he could destroy more
utterly him whom he persecutes than he destroys his own soul by his
enmity. And of a truth, there is no science of letters more innate
than the writing of conscience--that he is doing unto another what
he himself would not suffer. How mysterious art Thou, who in silence
"dwellest on high," Thou God, the only great, who by an unwearied
law dealest out the punishment of blindness to illicit desires! When
a man seeking for the reputation of eloquence stands before a human
judge while a thronging multitude surrounds him, inveighs against
his enemy with the most fierce hatred, he takes most vigilant heed
that his tongue slips not into grammatical error, but takes no heed
lest through the fury of his spirit he cut off a man from his
fellow-men.
30. These were the customs in the midst of which I, unhappy boy, was
cast, and on that arena it was that I was more fearful of
perpetrating a barbarism than, having done so, of envying those who
had not. These things I declare and confess unto Thee, my God, for
which I was applauded by them whom I then thought it my Whole duty
to please, for I did not perceive the gulf of infamy wherein I was
cast away from Thine eyes? For in Thine eyes what was more infamous
than I was already, displeasing even those like myself, deceiving
with innumerable lies both tutor, and masters, and parents, from
love of play, a desire to see frivolous spectacles, and a
stage-stuck restlessness, to imitate them? Pilferings I committed
from my parents' cellar and table, either enslaved by gluttony, or
that I might have something to give to boys who sold me their play,
who, though they sold it, liked it as well as I. In this play,
likewise, I often sought dishonest victories, I myself being
conquered by the vain desire of pre-eminence. And what could I so
little endure, or, if I detected it, censured I so violently, as the
very things I did to others, and, when myself detected I was
censured, preferred rather to quarrel than to yield? Is this the
innocence of childhood? Nay, Lord, nay, Lord; I entreat Thy mercy, O
my God. For these same sins, as we grow older, are transferred from
governors and masters, from nuts, and balls, and sparrows, to
magistrates and kings, to gold, and lands, and slaves, just as the
rod is succeeded by more severe chastisements. It was, then, the
stature of childhood that Thou, O our King, didst approve of as an
emblem of humility when Thou saidst: "Of such is the kingdom of
heaven."
31. But yet, O Lord, to Thee, most excellent and most good, Thou
Architect and Governor of the universe, thanks had been due unto
Thee, our God, even hadst Thou willed that I should not survive my
boyhood. For I existed even then j I lived, and felt, and was
solicitous about my own well-being, ma trace of that most mysterious
unity from whence I had my being; I kept watch by my inner sense
over the wholeness of my senses, and in these insignificant
pursuits, and also in my thoughts on things insignificant, I learnt
to take pleasure in truth. I was averse to being deceived, I had a
vigorous memory, was provided with the power of speech, was softened
by friendship, shunned sorrow, meanness, ignorance. In such a being
what was not wonderful and praiseworthy? But all these are gifts of
my God; I did not give them to myself; and they are good, and all
these constitute myself. Good, then, is He that made me, and He is
my God; and before Him will I rejoice exceedingly for every good
gift which, as a boy, I had. For in this lay my sin, that not in
Him, but in His creatures--my-self and the rest--I sought for
pleasures, hon-ours, and truths, falling thereby into sorrows,
troubles, and errors. Thanks be to Thee, my joy, my pride, my
confidence, my God--thanks be to Thee for Thy gifts; but preserve
Thou them to me. For thus wilt Thou preserve me; and those things
which Thou hast given me shall be developed and perfected, and I
myself shall be with Thee, for from Thee is my being.
HE ADVANCES TO PUBERTY, AND INDEED TO THE EARLY PART OF THE
SIXTEENTH YEAR OF HIS AGE, IN WHICH, HAVING ABANDONED HIS STUDIES,
HE INDULGED IN LUSTFUL PLEASURES, AND, WITH HIS COMPANIONS,
COMMITTED THEFT.
CHAP. I.--HE DEPLORES THE WICKEDNESS OF HIS YOUTH.
1. I will now call to mind my past foulness, and the carnal
corruptions of my soul, not because I love them, but that I may love
Thee, O my God. For love of Thy love do I it, recalling, in the very
bitterness of my remembrance, my most vicious ways, that Thou mayest
grow sweet to me,--Thou sweetness without deception! Thou sweetness
happy and assured and re-collecting myself out of that my
dissipation, in which I was torn to pieces, while, turned away from
Thee the One, I lost myself among many vanities. For I even longed
in my youth formerly to be satisfied with worldly things, and I
dared to grow wild again with various and shadowy loves; my form
consumed away and I became corrupt in Thine eyes, pleasing myself,
and eager to please in the eyes of men.
CHAP. II.--STRICKEN WITH EXCEEDING GRIEF, HE REMEMBERS THE DISSOLUTE
PASSIONS IN WHICH, IN HIS SIXTEENTH YEAR, HE USED TO INDULGE.
2. But what was it that I delighted in save to love and to be
beloved? But I held it not in moderation, mind to mind, the bright
path of friendship, but out of the dark concupiscence of the flesh
and the effervescence of youth exhalations came forth which obscured
and overcast my heart, so that I was unable to discern pure
affection from unholy desire. Both boiled confusedly within me, and
dragged away my unstable youth into the rough places of unchaste
desires, and plunged me into a gulf of infamy. Thy anger had
overshadowed me, and I knew it not. I was become deaf by the
rattling of the chins of my mortality, the punishment for my soul's
pride; and I wandered farther from Thee, and Thou didst "suffer"'
me; and I was tossed to and fro, and wasted, and poured out, and
boiled over in my fornications, and Thou didst hold Thy peace, O
Thou my tardy joy! Thou then didst hold Thy peace, and I wandered
still farther from Thee, into more and more barren seed-plots of
sorrows, with proud dejection and restless lassitude.
3. Oh for one to have regulated my disorder, and turned to my profit
the fleeting beauties of the things around me, and fixed a bound to
their sweetness, so that the tides of my youth might have spent
themselves upon the conjugal shore, if so be they could not be
tranquillized and satisfied within the object of a family, as Thy
law appoints, O Lord,--who thus formest the offspring of our death,
being able also with a tender hand to blunt the thorns which were
excluded from Thy paradise! For Thy omnipotency is not far from us
even when we are far from Thee, else in truth ought I more
vigilantly to have given heed to the voice from the clouds:
"Nevertheless, such shall have trouble in the flesh, but I spare
you;" and, "It is good for a man not to touch a woman; "' and, "He
that is unmarried careth for the things that belong to the Lord, how
he may please the Lord; but he that is married careth for the things
that are of the world, how he may please his wife." I should,
therefore, have listened more attentively to these words, and, being
severed "for the kingdom of heaven's sake," ' I would with greater
happiness have expected Thy embraces.
4. But I, poor fool, seethed as does the sea, and, forsaking Thee,
followed the violent course of my own stream, and exceeded all Thy
limitations; nor did I escape Thy scourges.' For what mortal can do
so? But Thou weft always by me, mercifully angry, and dashing with
the bitterest vexations all my illicit pleasures, in order that I
might seek pleasures free from vexation. But where I could meet with
such except in Thee, O Lord, I could not find, except in Thee, who
teachest by sorrow, and woundest us to heal us, and killest us that
we may not die from Thee. Where was I, and how far was I exiled from
the delights of Thy house, in that sixteenth year of the age of my
flesh, when the madness of lust--to the which human shamelessness
granteth full freedom, although forbidden by Thy laws--held complete
away over me, and I resigned myself entirely to it? Those about me
meanwhile took no care to save me from ruin by marriage, their sole
care being that I should learn to make a powerful speech, and become
a persuasive orator.
CHAP. III.---CONCERNING HIS FATHER, A FREEMAN OF THAGASTE, THE
ASSISTER OF HIS SON'S STUDIES, AND ON THE ADMONITIONS OF HIS MOTHER
ON THE PRESERVATION OF CHASTITY.
5. And for that year my studies were intermitted, while after my
return from Madaura (a neighbouring city, whither I had begun to go
in order to learn grammar and rhetoric), the expenses for a further
residence at Carthage were provided for me; and that was rather by
the determination than the means of my father, who was but a poor
freeman of Thagaste. To whom do I narrate this? Not unto Thee, my
God; but before Thee unto my own kind, even to that small part of
the human race who may: chance to light upon these my writings. And
to what end? That I and all who read the same may reflect out of
what depths we are' to cry unto Thee For what cometh nearer to
Thine ears than a confessing heart and a life of faith? For who did
not extol and praise my father, in that he went even beyond his
means to supply his son with all the necessaries for a far journey
for the sake of his studies? For many far richer citizens did not
the like for their children. But yet this same father did not
trouble himself how I grew towards Thee, nor how chaste I was, so
long as I was skilful in speaking--however barren I was to Thy
tilling, O God, who art the sole true and good Lord of my heart,
which is Thy field.
6. But while, in that sixteenth year of my age, I resided with my
parents, having holiday from school for a time (this idleness being
imposed upon me by my parents' necessitous circumstances), the
thorns of lust grew rank over my head, and there was no hand to
pluck them out. Moreover when my father, seeing me at the baths,
perceived that I was becoming a man, and was stirred with a restless
youthfulness, he, as if from this anticipating future descendants,
joyfully told it to my mother; rejoicing in that intoxication
wherein the world so often forgets Thee, its Creator, and fails in
love with Thy creature instead of Thee, from the invisible wine of
its own perversity turning and bowing down to the 'most infamous
things. But in my mother's breast Thou hadst even now begun Thy
temple, and the commencement of Thy holy habitation, whereas my
father was only a catechumen as yet, and that but recently. She then
started up with a pious fear and trembling; and, although I had not
yet been baptized, she feared those crooked ways in which they walk
who turn their back to Thee, and not their face?
7. Woe is me! and dare I affirm that Thou heldest Thy peace, O my
God, while I strayed farther from Thee? Didst Thou then hold Thy
peace to me? And whose words were they but Thine which by my mother,
Thy faithful handmaid, Thou pouredst into my ears, none of which
sank into my heart to make me do it? For she desired, and I remember
privately warned me, with great solicitude, "not to commit
fornication; but above all things never to defile another man's
wife." These appeared to me but womanish counsels, which I should
blush to obey. But they were Thine, and I knew it not, and I thought
that Thou heldest Thy peace, and that it was she who spoke, through
whom Thou heldest not Thy peace to me, and in her person wast
despised by me, her son, "the son of Thy handmaid, Thy servant." But
this I knew not; and rushed on headlong with such blindness, that
amongst my equals I was ashamed to be less shameless, when I heard
them pluming themselves upon their disgraceful acts, yea, and
glorying all the more in proportion to the greatness of their
baseness; and I took pleasure in doing it, not for the pleasure's
sake only, but for the praise. What is worthy of dispraise but vice?
But I made myself out worse than I was, in order that I might not be
dispraised; and when in anything I had not sinned as the abandoned
ones, I would affirm that I had done what I had not, that I might
not appear abject for being more innocent, or of less esteem for
being more chaste.
8. Behold with what companions I walked the streets of Babylon, in
whose filth I was rolled, as if in cinnamon and precious ointments.
And that I might cleave the more tens tenaciously to its very centre, my
invisible enemy trod me down, and seduced me, I being easily
seduced. Nor did the mother of my flesh, although she herself had
ere this fled "out of the midst of Babylon," -- progressing,
however, but slowly in the skirts of it,--in counseling me to
chastity, so bear in mind what she had been told about me by her
husband as to restrain in the limits of conjugal affection (if it
could not be cut away to the quick) what she knew to be destructive
in the present and dangerous in the future. But she took no heed of
this, for she was afraid lest a wife should prove a hindrance and a
clog to my hopes. Not those hopes of the future world, which my
mother had in Thee; but the hope of learning, which both my parents
were too anxious that I should acquire,-he, because he had little or
no thought of Thee, and but vain thoughts for me--she, because she
calculated that those usual courses of learning would not only be no
drawback, but rather a. furtherance towards my attaining Thee. For
thus I conjecture, recalling as well as I can the dispositions of my
parents. The reins, meantime, were slackened towards me beyond the
restraint of due severity, that I might play, yea, even to
dissoluteness, in whatsoever I fancied. And in all there was a mist,
shutting out from my sight the brightness of Thy truth, O my God;
and my iniquity displayed itself as from very "fatness." '
CHAP. IV.--HE COMMITS THEFT WITH HIS COMPANIONS, NOT URGED ON BY
POVERTY, BUT FROM A CERTAIN DISTASTE OF WELL-DOING.
9. Theft is punished by Thy law, O Lord, and by the law written in
men's hearts, which iniquity itself cannot blot out. For what thief
will suffer a thief? Even a rich thief will not suffer him who is
driven to it by want. Yet had L a desire to commit robbery, and did
so, compelled neither by hunger, nor poverty through a distaste for
well-doing, and a lustiness of iniquity. For I pilfered that of
which I had already sufficient, and much better. Nor did I desire to
enjoy what I pilfered, but the theft and sin itself. There was a
pear-tree close to our vineyard, heavily laden with fruit, which was
tempting neither for its colour nor its flavour. To shake and rob
this some of us wanton young fellows went, late one night (having,
according to our disgraceful habit, prolonged our games in the
streets until then), and carried away great loads, not to eat
ourselves, but to fling to the very swine, having only eaten some of
them; and to do this pleased us all the more because it was not
permitted. Behold my heart, O my God; behold my heart, which Thou
hadst pity upon when in the bottomless pit. Behold, now, let my
heart tell Thee what it was seeking there, that I should be
gratuitously wanton, having no inducement to evil but the evil
itself. It was foul, and I loved it. I loved to perish. I loved my
own error--not that for which I erred, but the error itself. Base
soul, falling from Thy firmament to utter destruction--not seeking
aught through the shame but the shame itself
CHAP. V.---CONCERNING THE MOTIVES TO SIN, WHICH ARE NOT IN THE LOVE
OF EVIL, BUT IN THE DESIRE OF OBTAINING THE PROPERTY OF OTHERS.
10. There is a desirableness in all beautiful bodies, and in gold,
and silver, and all things; and in bodily contact sympathy is
powerful, and each other sense hath his proper adaptation of body.
Worldly honour hath also its glory, and the power of command, and of
overcoming; whence proceeds also the desire for revenge. And yet to
acquire all these, we must not depart from Thee, O Lord, nor deviate
from Thy law. The life which we live here hath also its peculiar
attractiveness, through a certain measure of comeliness of its own,
and harmony with all things here below. The friendships of men also
are endeared by a sweet bond, in the oneness of many souls. On
account of all these, and such as these, is sin committed; while
through an inordinate preference for these goods of a lower kind,
the better and higher are neglected,---even Thou, our Lord God, Thy
truth, and Thy law. For these meaner things have their delights, but
not like unto my God, who hath created all things; for in Him doth
the righteous delight, and He is the sweetness of the upright in
heart.
11. When, therefore, we inquire why a crime was committed, we do not
believe it, unless it appear that there might have been the wish to
obtain some of those which we designated meaner things, or else a
fear of losing them. For truly they are beautiful and comely,
although in comparison with those higher and celestial goods they be
abject and contemptible. A man hath murdered another; what was his
motive? He desired his wife or his estate; or would steal to support
himself; or he was afraid of losing something of the kind by him;
or, being injured, he was burning to be revenged. Would he commit
murder without a motive, taking delight simply in the act of murder?
Who would credit it? For as for that savage and brutal man, of whom
it is declared that he was gratuitously wicked and cruel, there is
yet a motive assigned. "Lest through idleness," he says, "hand or
heart should grow inactive." x And to what purpose? Why, even that,
having once got possession of the city through that practice of
wickedness, he might attain unto honours, empire, and wealth, and be
exempt from the fear of the laws, and his difficult circumstances
from the needs of his family, and the consciousness of his own
wickedness. So it seems that even Catiline himself loved not his own
villanies, but something else, which gave him the motive for
committing them.
CHAP. VI.--WHY HE DELIGHTED IN THAT THEFT, WHEN ALL THINGS WHICH
UNDER THE APPEARANCE OF GOOD INVITE TO VICE ARE TRUE AND PERFECT IN
GOD ALONE.
12. What was it, then, that I, miserable one, so doted on in thee,
thou theft of mine, thou deed of darkness, in that sixteenth year of
my age? Beautiful thou weft not, since thou weft theft. ]But art
thou anything, that so I may argue the case with thee? Those pears
that we stole were fair to the sight, because they were Thy
creation, Thou fairests of all, Creator of all, Thou good God--God,
the highest good, and my true good. Those pears truly were pleasant
to the sight; but it was not for them that my miserable soul lusted,
for I had abundance of better, but those I plucked simply that I
might steal. For, having plucked them, I threw them away, my sole
gratification in them being my own sin, which I was pleased to
enjoy. For if any of these pears entered my mouth, the sweetener of
it was my sin in eating it. And now, O Lord my God, I ask what it
was in that theft of mine that caused me such delight; and behold it
hath no beauty in it--not such, I mean, as exists in justice and
wisdom; nor such as is in the mind, memory, Senses, and animal life
of man; nor yet such as is the glory and beauty of the stars in
their courses; or the earth, or the sea, teeming with incipient
life, to replace, as it is born, that which decayeth; nor, indeed,
that false and shadowy beauty which pertaineth to deceptive vices.
13. For thus cloth pride imitate high estate, I whereas Thou alone
art God, high above all. [ And what does ambition seek but honours
and l renown, whereas Thou alone art to be honoured I above all, and
renowned for evermore?
The cruelty of the powerful wishes to be feared; but who is to be
feared but God only out of whose power what can be forced away or
withdrawn--when, or where, or whither, or by whom? The enticements
of the wanton would fain be deemed love; and yet is naught more
enticing than Thy charity, nor is aught loved more healthfully than
that, Thy truth, bright and beautiful above all. Curiosity affects a
desire for knowledge, whereas it is Thou who supremely knowest all
things. Yea, ignorance and foolishness themselves are concealed
under the names of ingenuousness and harmlessness, because nothing
can be found more ingenuous than Thou; and what is more harmless,
since it is a sinner's own works by which he is harmed? And sloth
seems to long for rest; but what sure rest is there besides the
Lord? Luxury would fain be called plenty and abundance; but Thou art
the fellness and unfailing plenteousness of unfading joys.
Prodigality presents a shadow of liberality; but Thou art the most
lavish giver of all good. Covetousness desires to possess much; and
Thou art the Possessor of all things. Envy contends for excellence;
but what so excellent as Thou? Anger seeks revenge; who avenges more
justly than Thou? Fear starts at unwonted and sudden chances which
threaten things beloved, and is wary for their security; but what
can happen that is unwonted or sudden to Thee? or who can deprive
Thee of what Thou lovest? or where is there unshaken security save
with Thee? Grief languishes for things lost in which desire had
delighted itself, even because it would have nothing taken from it,
as nothing can be from Thee.
14. Thus doth the soul commit fornication when she turns away from
Thee, and seeks without Thee what she cannot find pure and untainted
until she returns to Thee. Thus all pervertedly imitate Thee who
separate themselves far from Thee and raise themselves up against
Thee. But even by thus imitating Thee they acknowledge Thee to be
the Creator of all nature, and so that there is no place whither
they can altogether retire from Thee What, then, was it that I
loved in that theft? And wherein did I, even corruptedly and
pervertedly, imitate my Lord? Did I wish, if only by artifice, to
act contrary to Thy law, because by power I could not, so that,
being a captive, I might imitate an imperfect liberty by doing with
impunity things which I was not allowed to do, in obscured likeness
of Thy omnipotency? Behold this servant of Thine, fleeing from his
Lord, and following a shadow! O rottenness! O monstrosity of life
and profundity of death! Could I like that which was unlawful only
because it was unlawful?
CHAP. VII.--HE GIVES THANKS TO GOD FOR THE REMISSION OF HIS SINS,
AND REMINDS EVERY ONE THAT THE SUPREME GOD MAY HAVE PRESERVED us
FROM GREATER SINS.
15. "What shall I render unto the Lord," x that whilst my memory
recalls these things my soul is not appalled at them? I will love
Thee, O Lord, and thank Thee, and confess unto Thy name because
Thou hast put away from me these so wicked and nefarious acts of
mine. To Thy grace I attribute it, and to Thy mercy, that Thou hast
melted away my sin as it were ice. To Thy grace also I attribute
whatsoever of evil I have hot committed; for what might I not have
committed, loving as I did the sin for the sin's sake? Yea, all I
confess to have been pardoned me, both those which I committed by my
own perverseness, and those which, by Thy guidance, I committed not.
Where is he who, reflecting upon his own infirmity, dares to ascribe
his chastity and innocency to his own strength, so that he should
love Thee the less, as if he had been in less need of Thy mercy,
whereby Thou dost forgive the transgressions of those that turn to
Thee? For whosoever, called by Thee, obeyed Thy voice, and shunned
those things which he reads me recalling and confessing of myself,
let him not despise me, who, being sick, was healed by that same
Physician' by whose aid it was that he was not sick, or rather was
less sick. And for this let him love Thee as much, yea, all the
more, since by whom he sees me to have been restored from so great a
feebleness of sin, by Him he sees himself from a like feebleness to
have been preserved.
CHAP. VIII.--IN HIS THEFT HE LOVED THE COMPANY OF HIS
FELLOW-SINNERS.
16. "What fruit had I then,"* wretched one, in those things which,
when I remember them, cause me shame--above all in that theft, which
I loved only for the theft's sake? And as the theft itself was
nothing, all the more wretched was I who loved it. Yet by myself
alone I would not have done it--I recall what my heart was---alone I
could not have done it. I loved, then, in it the companionship of my
accomplices with whom I did it. I did not, therefore, love the theft
alone--yea, rather, it was that alone that I loved, for the
companionship was nothing. What is the fact? Who is it that can
teach me, but He who illuminateth mine heart and searcheth out the
dark corners thereof? What is it that hath come into my mind to
inquire about, to discuss, and to reflect upon? For had I at that
time loved the pears I stole, and wished to enjoy them, I might have
done so alone, if I could have been satisfied with the mere
commission of the theft by which my pleasure was secured; nor needed
I have provoked that itching of my own passions, by the
encouragement of accomplices. But as my enjoyment was not in those
pears, it was in the crime itself, which the company of my
fellow-sinners produced.
CHAP. IX.--IT WAS A PLEASURE TO HIM ALSO TO LAUGH WHEN SERIOUSLY
DECEIVING OTHERS.
17. By what feelings, then, was I animated? For it was in truth too
shameful; and woe was me who had it. But still what was it? "Who can
understand his errors?" We laughed, because our hearts were tickled
at the thought of deceiving those who little imagined what we were
doing, and would have vehemently disapproved of it. Yet, again, why
did I so rejoice in this, that I did it not alone? Is it that no one
readily laughs alone? No one does so readily; but yet sometimes,
when men are alone by themselves, nobody being by, a fit of laughter
overcomes them when anything very droll presents itself to their
senses or mind. Yet alone I would not have done it--alone I could
not at all have done it. Behold, my God, the lively recollection of
my soul is laid bare before Thee--alone I had not committed that
theft, wherein what I stole pleased me not, but rather the act of
stealing; nor to have done it alone would I have liked so well,
neither would I have done it. O Friendship too unfriendly! thou
mysterious seducer of the soul, thou greediness to do mischief out
of mirth and wantonness, thou craving for others' loss, without
desire for my own profit or revenge; but when they say, "Let us go,
let us do it," we are ashamed not to be shameless.
CHAP. X.--WITH GOD THERE IS TRUE REST AND LIFE UNCHANGING.
18. Who can unravel that twisted and tangled knottiness? It is foul.
I hate to reflect on it. I hate to look on it. But thee do I long
for, O righteousness and innocency, fair and comely to all virtuous
eyes, and of a satisfaction that never palls! With thee is perfect
rest, and life unchanging.
He who enters into thee enters into the joy of his Lord, a and shall
have no fear, and shall do excellently in the most Excellent. I sank
away from Thee, O my God, and I wandered too far from Thee, my stay,
in my youth, and became to myself an unfruitful land.
|
HE ADVANCES TO PUBERTY, AND INDEED TO THE EARLY PART OF
THE SIXTEENTH YEAR OF HIS AGE, IN WHICH, HAVING ABANDONED
HIS STUDIES, HE INDULGED IN LUSTFUL PLEASURES, AND, WITH HIS
COMPANIONS, COMMITTED THEFT.
CHAP. I.--HE DEPLORES THE WICKEDNESS OF HIS YOUTH.
1. I will now call to mind my past foulness, and the
carnal corruptions of my soul, not because I love them, but
that I may love Thee, O my God. For love of Thy love do I
it, recalling, in the very bitterness of my remembrance, my
most vicious ways, that Thou mayest grow sweet to me,--Thou
sweetness without deception! Thou sweetness happy and
assured and re-collecting myself out of that my dissipation,
in which I was torn to pieces, while, turned away from Thee
the One, I lost myself among many vanities. For I even
longed in my youth formerly to be satisfied with worldly
things, and I dared to grow wild again with various and
shadowy loves; my form consumed away and I became corrupt
in Thine eyes, pleasing myself, and eager to please in the
eyes of men.
CHAP. II.--STRICKEN WITH EXCEEDING GRIEF, HE REMEMBERS
THE DISSOLUTE PASSIONS IN WHICH, IN HIS SIXTEENTH YEAR, HE
USED TO INDULGE.
2. But what was it that I delighted in save to love and
to be beloved? But I held it not in moderation, mind to
mind, the bright path of friendship, but out of the dark
concupiscence of the flesh and the effervescence of youth
exhalations came forth which obscured and overcast my heart,
so that I was unable to discern pure affection from unholy
desire. Both boiled confusedly within me, and dragged away
my unstable youth into the rough places of unchaste desires,
and plunged me into a gulf of infamy. Thy anger had
overshadowed me, and I knew it not. I was become deaf by the
rattling of the chins of my mortality, the punishment for my
soul's pride; and I wandered farther from Thee, and Thou
didst "suffer"' me; and I was tossed to and fro, and wasted,
and poured out, and boiled over in my fornications, and Thou
didst hold Thy peace, O Thou my tardy joy! Thou then didst
hold Thy peace, and I wandered still farther from Thee, into
more and more barren seed-plots of sorrows, with proud
dejection and restless lassitude.
3. Oh for one to have regulated my disorder, and turned
to my profit the fleeting beauties of the things around me,
and fixed a bound to their sweetness, so that the tides of
my youth might have spent themselves upon the conjugal
shore, if so be they could not be tranquillized and
satisfied within the object of a family, as Thy law
appoints, O Lord,--who thus formest the offspring of our
death, being able also with a tender hand to blunt the
thorns which were excluded from Thy paradise! For Thy
omnipotency is not far from us even when we are far from
Thee, else in truth ought I more vigilantly to have given
heed to the voice from the clouds: "Nevertheless, such shall
have trouble in the flesh, but I spare you;" and, "It is
good for a man not to touch a woman; "' and, "He that is
unmarried careth for the things that belong to the Lord, how
he may please the Lord; but he that is married careth for
the things that are of the world, how he may please his
wife." I should, therefore, have listened more attentively
to these words, and, being severed "for the kingdom of
heaven's sake," ' I would with greater happiness have
expected Thy embraces.
4. But I, poor fool, seethed as does the sea, and,
forsaking Thee, followed the violent course of my own
stream, and exceeded all Thy limitations; nor did I escape
Thy scourges.' For what mortal can do so? But Thou weft
always by me, mercifully angry, and dashing with the
bitterest vexations all my illicit pleasures, in order that
I might seek pleasures free from vexation. But where I could
meet with such except in Thee, O Lord, I could not
find, except in Thee, who teachest by sorrow, and woundest us
to heal us, and killest us that we may not die from Thee.
Where was I, and how far was I exiled from the delights of
Thy house, in that sixteenth year of the age of my flesh,
when the madness of lust--to the which human shamelessness
granteth full freedom, although forbidden by Thy laws--held
complete away over me, and I resigned myself entirely to it?
Those about me meanwhile took no care to save me from ruin
by marriage, their sole care being that I should learn to
make a powerful speech, and become a persuasive orator.
CHAP. III.---CONCERNING HIS FATHER, A FREEMAN OF
THAGASTE, THE ASSISTER OF HIS SON'S STUDIES, AND ON THE
ADMONITIONS OF HIS MOTHER ON THE PRESERVATION OF CHASTITY.
5. And for that year my studies were intermitted, while
after my return from Madaura (a neighbouring city, whither I
had begun to go in order to learn grammar and rhetoric), the
expenses for a further residence at Carthage were provided
for me; and that was rather by the determination than the
means of my father, who was but a poor freeman of Thagaste.
To whom do I narrate this? Not unto Thee, my God; but before
Thee unto my own kind, even to that small part of the human
race who may: chance to light upon these my writings. And to
what end? That I and all who read the same may reflect out
of what depths we are' to cry unto Thee For what cometh
nearer to Thine ears than a confessing heart and a life of
faith? For who did not extol and praise my father, in that
he went even beyond his means to supply his son with all the
necessaries for a far journey for the sake of his studies?
For many far richer citizens did not the like for their
children. But yet this same father did not trouble himself
how I grew towards Thee, nor how chaste I was, so long as I
was skilful in speaking--however barren I was to Thy
tilling, O God, who art the sole true and good Lord of my
heart, which is Thy field.
6. But while, in that sixteenth year of my age, I resided
with my parents, having holiday from school for a time (this
idleness being imposed upon me by my parents' necessitous
circumstances), the thorns of lust grew rank over my head,
and there was no hand to pluck them out. Moreover when my
father, seeing me at the baths, perceived that I was
becoming a man, and was stirred with a restless
youthfulness, he, as if from this anticipating future
descendants, joyfully told it to my mother; rejoicing in
that intoxication wherein the world so often forgets Thee,
its Creator, and fails in love with Thy creature instead of
Thee, from the invisible wine of its own perversity turning
and bowing down to the 'most infamous things. But in my
mother's breast Thou hadst even now begun Thy temple, and
the commencement of Thy holy habitation, whereas my father
was only a catechumen as yet, and that but recently. She
then started up with a pious fear and trembling; and,
although I had not yet been baptized, she feared those
crooked ways in which they walk who turn their back to Thee,
and not their face?
7. Woe is me! and dare I affirm that Thou heldest Thy
peace, O my God, while I strayed farther from Thee? Didst
Thou then hold Thy peace to me? And whose words were they
but Thine which by my mother, Thy faithful handmaid, Thou
pouredst into my ears, none of which sank into my heart to
make me do it? For she desired, and I remember privately
warned me, with great solicitude, "not to commit
fornication; but above all things never to defile another
man's wife." These appeared to me but womanish counsels,
which I should blush to obey. But they were Thine, and I
knew it not, and I thought that Thou heldest Thy peace, and
that it was she who spoke, through whom Thou heldest not Thy
peace to me, and in her person wast despised by me, her son,
"the son of Thy handmaid, Thy servant." But this I knew not;
and rushed on headlong with such blindness, that amongst my
equals I was ashamed to be less shameless, when I heard them
pluming themselves upon their disgraceful acts, yea, and
glorying all the more in proportion to the greatness of
their baseness; and I took pleasure in doing it, not for the
pleasure's sake only, but for the praise. What is worthy of
dispraise but vice? But I made myself out worse than I was,
in order that I might not be dispraised; and when in
anything I had not sinned as the abandoned ones, I would
affirm that I had done what I had not, that I might not
appear abject for being more innocent, or of less esteem for
being more chaste.
8. Behold with what companions I walked the streets of
Babylon, in whose filth I was rolled, as if in cinnamon and
precious ointments. And that I might cleave the more
tenaciously to its very centre, my invisible enemy trod me down,
and seduced me, I being easily seduced. Nor did the mother
of my flesh, although she herself had ere this fled "out of
the midst of Babylon," -- progressing, however, but slowly
in the skirts of it,--in counseling me to chastity, so bear
in mind what she had been told about me by her husband as to
restrain in the limits of conjugal affection (if it could
not be cut away to the quick) what she knew to be
destructive in the present and dangerous in the future. But
she took no heed of this, for she was afraid lest a wife
should prove a hindrance and a clog to my hopes. Not those
hopes of the future world, which my mother had in Thee; but
the hope of learning, which both my parents were too anxious
that I should acquire,-he, because he had little or no
thought of Thee, and but vain thoughts for me--she, because
she calculated that those usual courses of learning would
not only be no drawback, but rather a. furtherance towards
my attaining Thee. For thus I conjecture, recalling as well
as I can the dispositions of my parents. The reins,
meantime, were slackened towards me beyond the restraint of
due severity, that I might play, yea, even to dissoluteness,
in whatsoever I fancied. And in all there was a mist,
shutting out from my sight the brightness of Thy truth, O my
God; and my iniquity displayed itself as from very
"fatness." '
CHAP. IV.--HE COMMITS THEFT WITH HIS COMPANIONS, NOT
URGED ON BY POVERTY, BUT FROM A CERTAIN DISTASTE OF
WELL-DOING.
9. Theft is punished by Thy law, O Lord, and by the law
written in men's hearts, which iniquity itself cannot blot
out. For what thief will suffer a thief? Even a rich thief
will not suffer him who is driven to it by want. Yet had L a
desire to commit robbery, and did so, compelled neither by
hunger, nor poverty through a distaste for well-doing, and a
lustiness of iniquity. For I pilfered that of which I had
already sufficient, and much better. Nor did I desire to
enjoy what I pilfered, but the theft and sin itself. There
was a pear-tree close to our vineyard, heavily laden with
fruit, which was tempting neither for its colour nor its
flavour. To shake and rob this some of us wanton young
fellows went, late one night (having, according to our
disgraceful habit, prolonged our games in the streets until
then), and carried away great loads, not to eat ourselves,
but to fling to the very swine, having only eaten some of
them; and to do this pleased us all the more because it was
not permitted. Behold my heart, O my God; behold my heart,
which Thou hadst pity upon when in the bottomless pit.
Behold, now, let my heart tell Thee what it was seeking
there, that I should be gratuitously wanton, having no
inducement to evil but the evil itself. It was foul, and I
loved it. I loved to perish. I loved my own error--not that
for which I erred, but the error itself. Base soul, falling
from Thy firmament to utter destruction--not seeking aught
through the shame but the shame itself
CHAP. V.---CONCERNING THE MOTIVES TO SIN, WHICH ARE NOT
IN THE LOVE OF EVIL, BUT IN THE DESIRE OF OBTAINING THE
PROPERTY OF OTHERS.
10. There is a desirableness in all beautiful bodies, and
in gold, and silver, and all things; and in bodily contact
sympathy is powerful, and each other sense hath his proper
adaptation of body. Worldly honour hath also its glory, and
the power of command, and of overcoming; whence proceeds
also the desire for revenge. And yet to acquire all these,
we must not depart from Thee, O Lord, nor deviate from Thy
law. The life which we live here hath also its peculiar
attractiveness, through a certain measure of comeliness of
its own, and harmony with all things here below. The
friendships of men also are endeared by a sweet bond, in the
oneness of many souls. On account of all these, and such as
these, is sin committed; while through an inordinate
preference for these goods of a lower kind, the better and
higher are neglected,---even Thou, our Lord God, Thy truth,
and Thy | |
